1. When someone calls you a robot just because you can be super detached sometimes, which OK, yes, fine, you are. Don’t those people know that you’re just putting all of your sensitive Aquarius feelings on a super high shelf because you’re afraid something will happen to them? Rude.
2. Wondering if it’s really the best policy to be brutally, Judge Judy-level honest with every single person you meet and then coming to the conclusion that yes, it is best because you don’t know any other way to be and also Judge Judy is a beloved public figure.
3. When you fall for someone, you basically have to bite your tongue constantly because all you want to do is propose and have babies immediately, and why do you have to wait to do that?! If you like someone, your wooing style is basically like if Noah from The Notebook had s*x from Noah from The Notebook and they had a child whose name was The Notebook. Never change.
4. When you realize you haven’t had any friendships that lasted longer than two years because you can seriously trust no human on earth. You fully realize that no one is perfect, you do, you really, really do. That said, you also remember what Kim did in the summer of 2010 (The Nail Salon Incident) and what Jeff did in early 2015 (The Race Track Fiasco) and you simply cannot get beyond it and no, you will not unblock them on Facebook. That said…
5. Holding on to all your friendships like they’re a mint-condition Birkin bag at a Salvation Army. Ideally, your friends would never have other friends you don’t already know, lest they like them more and go to Sushi and Karaoke Blowout Fridays with someone else, thereby causing a complete and total meltdown in your brain that can only be remedied by tacos and crying. K thnx.
6. You can’t talk right now because you’re too busy achieving your larger-than-life, Beyoncé-style dreams that involve helping all of humanity forever with everything. Who cares if it takes 20 years and all your savings and the sacrificing of regular pedicures that mean the world to you? The world needs you and your gross feet.
7. The deep divide between how you really feel about someone and how easily you can put it into words to tell them that is as big as a freaking Super Bowl stadium. The number of times you’ve secretly written love songs and carefully crafted future menus for meals you want to cook for your crush versus the number of times you’ve been able to voice more than “You’re pretty cool I guess” to their actual face/phone are very, very different numbers.
8. Wishing you could warn someone who is trying to pick a fight with you that you are in fact always right but if they want to debate that fact, it’s their funeral. Seriously, how dare they question someone who is legitimately right most of the time and call no less than nine sources that will back them up on this! First is Jane Smythman, (555) 555-0812. Next is…
9. You’re literally in line for the next iPhone right now and there’s not even a new one on the way. Or is there? You’re the one obsessed with the newest technology because the newest technology is literally everything, so you would know. The plus side is you know every single thing your iPhone can do and will happily be that asshole who’s like, “Oh, I use my phone for that, so.”
10. Feeling low-key more intelligent than everyone you’ve ever met and only very subtly letting them know that yes, you know you’re smarter than everyone. It’s a burden. It really is.
11. You’re not even really paying attention to this one because you’re still overanalyzing whether or not no. 2 was truly accurate for you personally. That, and whether or not your decision to kiss that Tinder guy good night three weeks ago was a good idea. Congrats, on living in the moment so ~*effortlessly*~ (no).
12. Your phone never turns off because if it did, you might miss a call from one of the many people who rely on your beautiful ears to listen to every little thought that runs through their head. Seriously, what would your friends even do without you? The answer is “cry a lot and have lesser conversations.” But you knew that.