1. Trying to find new excuses as to why you don’t want to go out with your friends is like your part-time job. Because you can only pretend to be sick so many times before they call 911 even though all you wanted to do was stay in and eat pizza alone, which brings me to…
2. Trying not to eat all of the things because all of the things taste so freaking good. Cancers love comfort foods so much that they don’t really see a point in eating anything that’s not yummy and great and yeah, OK, not always the healthiest. It is seriously a battle for you to work some healthier stuff in there and you know what? I don’t blame you.
3. Wanting to be wrapped in the softest blankets and wear pillows on your feet all the time instead of wearing stupid regular clothes. Really, if someone could just keep you curled up in a hammock full of cotton balls and cashmere at all times instead of making you try to do things like put on regular pants and shirts and things you can’t easily nap in, you would never have any problems.
4. When someone criticizes you even in a nice way, you basically fall apart on the floor in fetal position. Your sensitive Cancer feelings are both a blessing and a curse, I know.
5. Falling in love the second someone makes you feel even a little bit cared for. Your poor Cancer heart has had a lot of scrapes, yes, but no one is more open and giving of love than a Cancer who feels appreciated. Not a bad thing.
6. Getting nominated for an Oscar every single time you feel any emotion. If you laugh, you laugh the loudest and the hardest anyone has laughed in their life. If you cry, you basically fill your entire room with your tears and then have to paddle away into another room so you can fill that one up too. It’s intense. God bless you.
7. All your friends are convinced you’re an emotional psychic. Which is fair because you do in fact know when they’re upset even before they do.
8. God help your friends if they try to drag you to a social setting with more than three people. You will moon-walk out of there so quickly and quietly that they won’t even know you left, but you’ll know they brought you there and probably hate them for at least a week because how do they not know you hate that?!
9. Having trouble making friends because you basically want to rather be best friends with someone or never even know their name. What’s the point of making friends with someone if you’re not going to text them constantly and one day invite them to your very small yet tasteful wedding?
10. Hearing your friends threaten to smack you with your own hand because they can’t believe they have to reassure you yet again that you’re not going to die while swimming in the ocean or walking down stairs or literally just standing there and breathing. You’re lovable as hell, don’t get me wrong, but never has one person needed so much reassurance about literally everything in life. Thankfully, your friends know you have other, more awesome qualities and basically let this one slide.
11. Having a room that is basically a garbage dump filled with sentimental nonsense. Every card, every letter, every ketchup packet that you squeezed while someone said something meaningful to you resides next to your bed in a heap that you look at adoringly and no one can convince you to throw away any of it.
12. Being so protective of your friends that it’s borderline insane while also being endearing. Oh my god, that Urban Outfitters salesperson was just talking to Chelsea about jeans. She will probably not stab her with a hanger or injure her emotionally within the span of that time. But your concern and huge Cancer heart is, as always, is appreciated.