1. Having someone wrong you and somehow, without you even really trying, coming up with the perfect plan for biblical revenge. Of course you didn’t set out to draw up a plan involving a social media smear campaign, three tons of manure, and a bottle of ink designed to ruin silk blouses. It just came to you.
2. Having your friends find out you were battling some seriously intense stuff for months way after it’s already over. Because it never occurred to you that they’d want to, oh, I don’t know, help you through it.
3. Asking someone out and having them not understand that the fact that you’re willing to let them in at all is basically a marriage proposal. Because vulnerability is your biggest ~*FeAr*~.
4. Every time you leave the house, you either think you look like Brad Pitt or a troll passed out on the highway. There is no in between.
5. Being the only person at work who is so hyped that they’re ordering pizza for everyone that you’re basically jumping up and down on an invisible trampoline. While everyone else is like, “It’s Dominos. Chill.” When you get psyched, you get pssssyyyyched.
6. Having friends you’ve known for five years who you still don’t really trust. You sleep with one eye open like a total weirdo because you’re never really sure of anyone’s intentions, even if you’ve literally been their best friend since grade school. It’s exhausting but it’s you.
7. Your idea of taking it slow is not telling someone you love them three seconds after you realized you liked them. You’re pretty all or nothing in the love department: Either they’re Your Person, or they don’t exist and smell terribly.
8. Trying to engage with you in small talk would be a great way for someone to kill you. Seriously, it’s possible you could die from this. The threat is so real.
9. Having a long-ass list of people who have wronged you literally one time. And you can remember every freaking detail and you will never forget this. Never.
10. Pretending you don’t remember every single thing your boyfriend has ever said to you, good for bad, because it freaks people out. No, you don’t remember the date that you and he first kissed, or the first time you went to the movies and what time the movie showing was and which theater it was in. Why would you remember all of that (and more)?
11. Walking into a store and seeing that more than one person is waiting in line and then leaving that store. You wait for no one. You simply cannot do this. If that means you’ll never be able to buy groceries there again, OK.
12. Having a birthday that’s either screwed over by Halloween or Thanksgiving, but definitely one of the two. So you’re either getting lumped in with a drunken bunch of idiots wearing masks or a drunken bunch of idiots who can’t hang out on your birthday because they’ll be in Iowa with their families taking naps. Cool.