1. Spending an entire afternoon trying to figure out why someone doesn’t like you is your favorite/least favorite thing to do. Seriously, how is it possible that not everyone on earth thinks you’re terrific?! There has to be an explanation, possibly involving aliens. Get out your notebook and highlighter.
2. Most of your texts with your friends are like: “You should come hang out!” “Nah, I want to stay in tonight.” “OK!” “Hey, what are you doing? I’m bored.” “You should come hang out!” “Nah, I want to stay in tonight.” You love your freedom but also you get lonely. It’s a never-ending battle.
3. Trying to make a decision usually just leads you to giving up and taking a nap. Which technically counts as making a decision, so good for you!
4. Being so chill that you’re over an hour late for something pretty much every day. Which has often resulted in lost friendships and people being mad at you at work but honestly, your chilling set point is so long-standing that at this point, you’re like, “Eh, haters gonna hate (something that they totally have every right to hate). What’s on TV?”
5. Matching with 99 percent of people on Tinder because you get a crush on anyone with eyes. You’re able to see the beauty in everyone, which makes you a right-swipe factory, even though most of the guys are 28-year-olds who live with their parents, think condoms “feel weird,” and spend all their time tanning.
6. Having your friends not even really know when you’re mad at them because you’ve confronted them in such a passive way it feels like you didn’t. And then being totally pissed off when they don’t get that you clearly have a problem with them putting their goddamn feet on the couch. After all, you told them the couch was “such a cute color,” so obviously they must’ve known that meant that you didn’t want it getting ruined and they should cut that shit out, right? Right.
7. Staying in relationships for your whole entire life because once you start something, that’s your new life forever. This is pretty much the only reason why you dated Steve for three years instead of freaking the hell out, and telling him he needs to clip his toenails and stop flirting with your friends because he is not hot enough to pull any of that off.
8. Spending all your time at parties doing everything you can to make sure everyone feels comfortable and loved. How else do people pass the time in group settings? Enjoying each other’s company and trusting that they’ll ask if they need something? I doubt it.
9. Having your coworkers know you work harder than anyone … and your roommates know you are the laziest person on the planet. When you’re at work, you crush it. But when you get home, it’s throwing burger wrappers on the floor, half-washing dishes because whatever, you only used it for two seconds, and not taking out the trash because you’d rather keep sitting. You are a beautifully disgusting mystery.
10. Trying to date casually and either falling in love with the person, or not going out with them again because if you’re not falling in love with them, what’s the point? One of my Libra friends says to me almost every day, “I just want to get married and be done with dating already.” It was one of the Libra-iest things he’s ever said to me.
11. Living every single day like you just got a five-figure raise. Oh, what’s that? It’s literally any day of the week? Time to order a $30 delivery meal, open up a $90 bottle of wine, put on the cashmere slippers you bought on eBay when you were bored, and kick back. If Tom Haverford isn’t a Libra, I’d be shocked.
12. Being way too good at pretending to be fine even when you actually want to pull out your hair and scream the lyrics to “Before He Cheats” outside your window because you are not fiiiiine. But you need to pretend to be so everyone else can feel OK (all right, no one asked you to do this, but just because you feel crappy doesn’t mean everyone should know that Todd basically ruined your life last week. NBD.)
13. Not seeing anything wrong with fully losing your mind when someone cuts in front of someone in line. They don’t even have to have cut in front of you; they still personally offended you by being unfair to someone else. Why? Because fairness is important and if you don’t stand up for fairness, then no one will stand up for fairness, and then we’re all basically living in a hell on earth instead of what this place should be, which is a Starbucks filled with kindness and people who understand rules.
14. Knowing you have weeks to finish a project and doing it approximately three minutes before it’s due. If you never had deadlines, you would never leave your couch. You’d be out of shape as hell and your couch would be 98 percent crumbs, 2 percent your body, but god, you’d be happy.