1. People talk about how ambitious they are and you have to try not to laugh. Oh, you’re working on one project right now? That would sound super ambitious to me … if I weren’t working on seven.
2. People pass around photos of a cute baby and you’re like “How cute. Anyway…” Easily emotionally expressive, you are not.
3. When you do actually show emotion, it’s like you’re auditioning for an Oscar-winning movie. Those tears look real because they are. And also because you never cry so it’s like your emotions are falling out of an overstuffed drawer.
4. No one can tell when someone is lying like you can tell when someone is lying. God help all who try to cross you.
5. You have no interest in being the center of attention and will gladly give that role to literally anyone else. Even at karaoke you’re the one person who’s like, “OK, who wants me to sing backup?”
6. You’re Aubrey Plaza-level sarcastic without even trying. It’s a gift, really, you say, super sarcastically, because even your responses to people telling you you’re good at sarcasm are sarcastic.
7. If everyone you know is taking a huge risk, you will be the person who won’t. Whether it’s emotional or financial, if there’s a chance you won’t come out winning 100 percent guaranteed, you’re like, “Byeeee.”
8. You truly don’t care if you go to parties or not. You’re fine either way. Neither will affect your life in the least.
9. Most people are happiest when they’re drinking or partying, but you are happiest when you’re responsibly achieving your goals. That may make you sound like you’re a 1950s go-getter, but in many ways, uh, that’s exactly what you are.
10. You have dollar signs where your eyes previously were. Just because you’re obsessed with making money doesn’t make you an asshole. It just makes you either presently rich or future rich.
11. You can get along with anyone, but you pretty much just stick to one or two friends. And honestly, who needs more than two friends? What would you even do with that many phone numbers in a phone, am I right?
12. If there’s a way to overanalyze something into the ground, oh you can find it. “What’s this? A harmless joke someone made? I believe I can find a way to make that a hurtful comment designed to ruin me!” –You.
13. You might have clothes all over your bedroom floor, but that floor is clean as fuck. It’s a weird distinction, but it makes sense to you.
14. People know you like them because you’re actually talking to them and making jokes. Usually you’re pretty much a turtle in a shell, reading a book and smiling happily at everyone for no reason, so if you’re actually being bubbly and vivacious, people are like, “Damn, Katie must think I’m amazing!” and you’re like, “Yup.”
15. You have a tendency to make things all about you. Even right now while reading this, you’re like, “This was totally written about me because I am a Capricorn.” I mean, you’re right, but still.