There are a few things I never told you. In all of our late night conversations and our long endless days together, there were things I was holding back. I was holding them back for fear of rejection and let me tell you that has crippled me to this day. So here are some things I have to tell you now.
1. I’m sorry.
I owe you the biggest apology in the world. I made you out to be the supervillain in our story, literally the Joker has nothing on you. The real sad part is I wasn’t the superhero though. I had categorized myself as the damsel in distress, the victim, who wanted someone else to save her. It was easy to blame you for everything and to tell our story in such a way that I look like a hero and you look like the evil doer.
2. I really loved you.
I mean I said the words but I never followed it up with actions. I should have told you and shown you daily how much I love you. I should have told you that I loved you more than any job or any destination even though I know you always felt secondary. I should have told you that I was so head over heels in love with you but I didn’t. I’ll always regret that.
3. I forgive you.
Maybe you’re not the super villain but what happened between us really sucked. You played a huge role in that. While I’m a person to blame, so are you but I forgive you. I forgive you for everything you feel like you did wrong to me because I know you still think about it.
4. You hurt me.
Ah this is a big one isn’t it? I was never good at telling you when you upset me. I was never good at being honest with you that when you made jokes at my expensive that it really sucked. You hurt me the day that you stopped replying to my messages. You hurt me when you left. Really you just hurt me.
5. No one has made me feel like you.
It’s crazy right? That in all the guys since you there hasn’t been one like you. We just got each other. It was easy. We never really argued. We never really yelled. Maybe because you were my best friend and that made things just feel right.
6. I wish we still knew each other.
We don’t know each other anymore. That’s the sad reality. As I wrote above, you were my best friend and now you’re not even someone I know. I don’t know what your likes and dislikes are. I don’t know what your hobbies are. I don’t know if you’re happy. I don’t know and I wish I did.
7. You deserve to be happy.
Sometimes I hear people talk about others who’ve done them wrong and they wish bad things for them. I don’t wish that for you. I wish you nothing but happiness because there’s no reason not to. Even though I’ve tried to hate you, I can’t. So you deserve to be happy just like I do.
8. I won’t forget you.
I don’t think you forget your first real heartbreak. You were my first real bitter taste of how bad it sucks when you love someone but it just doesn’t work out. You were the inspiration for a lot of the decisions in my life.
9. I’m your biggest fan.
Sure I’ve told some stories that have made you look less than stellar but I’m still your biggest fan. I’m still the person cheering you on even though you don’t really know it. If you ever felt lost and needed someone to be there, I’m a phone call away. Maybe we don’t know each other anymore but I do know how amazing you were then and can only image how great you are now.
10. I miss you.
With every fibre of my being, dear God, do I miss you. I miss you so much that it hurts. I know our friends can tell when they mention your name and I wince. I miss the hell of out you. I don’t know if that gets easier or if eventually I’ll forget but I can’t help but feel like I’m always going to miss you.
11. I will always love you.
Whitney Houston got it right. I will always and forever miss you. Every single time I hear a stupid song that reminds me of you I smile. Every time I watch a movie we both loved I smile. Every time I think about you I smile. That’s how I know I loved you. I don’t cringe at the thought of you. I smile because my feelings for you are something that I don’t regret.
Maybe I should have told you all these things earlier but then again if I had, our paths might have changed. While mine is less than ideal some days, I know that I wouldn’t be nearly the person I am today without knowing and loving you. So thank you. For not only being my very first love but also teaching me lessons I needed to learn.